Why Do I Still Struggle With This Christian Stuff?

The thing I kept missing as I vacillated between license and legalism, was I did not know how to live this Christian life. I did not know how to be filled with the Holy Spirit, or apply the Scriptures to my life. That last little sentence at the end of my story, "Garon started discipling me." Discipleship is a big key component to a Christian's life. The disciples had to be trained in how to be obedient to God. Jesus taught them how to pray and to honor God. What sport or skill do we take up, and just instantly think we are to be experts at? Nothing! So how come when it comes to the Christian life, we just expect it to happen like magic. It comes from study, a life steeped in the word. It comes from prayer, a dependence upon God and the Holy Spirit. It comes from application of God's word to our lives, daily. Last it comes from watching others who walk with the Lord and their accountability.

After becoming a Christian, I had heard the Bible stories, I had prayed the prayers, but I did not know how to apply that to my life. I did not have Christian friends in high school. I did not go to Youth group, there was none. In college, I had not one single Christian friend. Most people I knew went to church on Sunday, prayed, sang, and testified to Jesus, but most of them lived differently during the week. The few that did follow Jesus during the week, did not know how they did it, but just thought it came naturally, instantly. They thought all Christians did that once they were saved. Garon began my discipling, but he could only teach me what he knew. He taught me the few things he had gleaned as a college student at Lakeview, but he had never formally been discipled, so some things he just did not know how to handle. After Garon discipled me the best he could, I started asking people questions. I thought every Christian knew how to study their Bible. 95% of the time, Christians I talked to, could not explain to me how they study their Bible. This is why I am so passionate about Biblical Counseling and Discipleship. Discipleship is important for our faith, to become closer to God, to honor God, and to help others do the same (the sanctification process). Biblical Counseling is just another way of discipling (a sanctification process), that is more intense and focuses on something in particular we are struggling with, a sin, that we are struggling to put "to death", that hinders our walk with the Lord or how to handle a trial in our life without sinning. So now you know why I want to be a Biblical Counselor, and why I feel so passionate about discipleship.

Why Why Why

So why do I tell you all that? Because God used those life events, to show me my need of Him. He used those events to show me areas in my life I had not given Him completely. He used those events to show my sinfulness. He used those events in my sanctification. He did not come just to justify me with His blood, but to sanctify me as well. He used those events for my good. Because I believe I was saved at the age of ten.

Why do I believe that? Because even as a child, I believed that God cleansed me from my sins. I believed that he took on that sin when he died on that cross, and rose again the third day. I believed I was a hopeless wretch full of sin at the age of ten. I knew my wretchedness. I believed that the only way I could be saved and a child of God was through the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe it because I was torn and full of a great disquiet. I was convicted of my sin. Every day that I tried to just run away, and give up, I was in mental distress. I wanted to please Him, but I did not know how. I cried out in anguish. The more I learn in Seminary, the more I have talked to pastors, the more I have talked to my professors, the more I am sure that I know the Lord. I know because He has not left me alone, and he has never let me go. I have reaped the consequences of my sins at times, and at others I have received miraculous grace. It is embarrassing to tell my story at times. It is painful to relive my story at other times, but I grow increasingly convinced that God wants me to tell my story.

I hear testimonies all the time of people who were saved and healed of certain things immediately. The thing I hear the most from friends and counselees, is that it was not so with them. They struggle with sin and they wonder why they struggle. They assumed (like me) that God would magically take away their struggles with sin and give them perfect obedience, and they would never want to sin anymore. They doubt their salvation, or think maybe something is wrong with them. The Bible says we will struggle with sin, that we must die daily, take up our crosses, and follow Him. But if we persevere and cry out to the Holy Spirit for supernatural help, God says we will have victory for His glory until He returns. I hope this encourages someone today to not give up hope that God is making them into a new creation.

1 Timothy 4:16 NIV
Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.

1 John 3:6
6 No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him.

Hebrews 12:1 NIV
[God Disciplines His Sons] Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Here's the Story, of a lovely lady..

Testimony Time. I was born in Pensacola, Florida three years after my older brother, Timothy. My Father worked for the power company, as an electrical engineer, and a bivocational song minister at our church. My Mom was a stay at home Mom. I heard the word of the Lord many many times. I knew I was a sinner and was going to die and go to hell, if I did not get saved. I saw the pain my sin brought. At the age of 10 years old, after I heard Bro. Don Neese preach the Gospel Message, I walked forward with faith and was saved. My church only had 55 members. My brother and I, along with three other sets of brothers and sisters were the only youth. Life continued, but I for the life of me could not understand that if I was a Christian, how come I had no peace, no joy, or contentment. I struggled with self control. My church was a Landmark Faithway Missionary Baptist Church, full of free will and don'ts, but not a whole lot of fruit. I do not say this to blame anyone or to judge, just trying to tell my story and the things I observed as a child. I do not want to be disrespectful or dishonor anyone. Racism, anger, and fear were some of the things I saw through the actions of some of the adults.


So at the young age of ten I tried to tell everyone about God, and to witness to them. My best friend got saved a year later, after I begged her to give her life to the Lord. I'm not sure the way I witnessed was the best way. Then I entered Middle School and High School with people who lived quite differently. I was struggling to stay true to my childlike faith, but did not know how to really live out my faith. I was anxious and sad, and tired of all the fighting, fear, prejudices and judgement against others. I found that I could not produce enough perfection to live the legalistic life I was living, and wanted desperately to be accepted by my peers. I was struggling with major emotional issues, and no one knew how to help me. Not my pastor or my family. I did the best I could to deal with the emotional pain in my life, and to meet others' expectations. I saw my Father, Mother, and brother excel at so many things, and I just felt anxious, exhausted and overwhelmed. I loved the Lord, but struggled greatly with how to live a life pleasing to him. I read my Bible and prayed, but nothing got better in my life. I started to believe, that maybe I was not saved to begin with. So I quit trying at everything and resolved to just be happy. I did a lot of things that make me sad today, and that I pray a hedge of protection around my niece and nephew. I do not wish that life for anyone, but I just wanted to be relaxed, content, and not in pain. Stay tuned, there is a purpose for me telling you this. It gets better, WAY better. :)